Letters To Bud: Guilt

Dearest Bud

I'm sorry Mummy hasn't spent much time with you since she's started work.

Mummy will like to think that she's giving you a better future with this new job but all she's doing is providing you greater material comfort.....which means squat to you if she's not there, mentally.

With the limited time we have with each other in the evenings, my mind is distracted, my eyes -- not on you. You get curious over Mummy's text book and the number of tears and crumpled pages were testiment to how Mummy tried to marry her 2 priorities together.

You shouldn't have to be embroiled in my struggle.

On weekends, Daddy has had to step it up to just so that Mummy had the time to study in the next room. I hated to be so near yet so far away.

You know what? After 3 unsuccessful tries, Mummy finally made it!!!

Mummy got on the phone with Daddy and we were both laughing and crying at the same time. We did it, Buddy.....the 3 of us. It was your sacrifice as much as it was Daddy's.

Now I feel like a dark cloud has lifted and blown away...life could go on as we all knew it.

Mummy's back. No more distractions, no more sneaking away... Mummy can pick up her reading on parenting books and we can spend solid time together.

We're gonna have a great year ahead!

New Challenges for This Mummy Brain

I thought that if I could tolerate labour pain (30 hours of it no less) and give birth to a baby ....I could do anything.....anything I want as long as I put my heart and mind to it.

Well.

Almost anything.

Never mind the lack of sleep, the challenges in the new job, juggling relationships ....

Passing this d@mn exam is such an uphill battle. The tunnel seems too long, the light too dim.

I think it takes a miracle to happen....

Bud has waited far too long.

He wants his Mummy back.

Learning by Osmosis

How do women do it? Study, look after a kid and breastfeed a baby?

Could I learn faster by putting my head next to the book?

Giving new meaning to the term 'hitting the book".

Break From Work for 16 Weeks

I can't believe that I am actually on official maternity leave now. Seems pretty surreal.

This vaguely reminds me of the time I took a break from the work force for 5-6 months....only difference is this is all me now and Bud....both of us just waiting for the other to be ready.

I had originally wanted to work till the very last minute and this was the same reply I gave to well-wishes. The reactions were mixed from incredulous belief and apprehension that there will be drama in the office to gentle encouragement to re-think my decision. I just wanted to save the leave for the time when Bud arrives for the extra opportunity to nurse and spend time with him - such a waste to spend it on waiting around prior to the event.



The seed of thought was planted by Wei last week on our way for my regular check-up: that I may not be getting much rest when Bud arrives so I should take time off now. Then Deb, the mid-wife, added that I don't want to go into labour tired with work on my mind.

Work was exactly bugging me then. Having realised that I'd gone through all the pre-natal classes was to have a great birth experience, the only way I could clear my mind and focus on the task at hand was to take the break from work.

Need to pack for my new home, tie up some loose ends for my overnighter, do some reading, chill......