Friday, June 4, 2010

Future Pondering

I lay awake at 0246hr this morning even though I am knackered from the day's work.

My mind has been preoccupied with Bud's future.

I am sure that every mother before me who had planed to return to the workforce when her maternity leave expires have agonised about arranging the best care for her baby or considered alternative working arrangements to spend quality time with her bub.

I had it figured out.

Or so I thought until Bud arrived and I got to spend the past 2 months with him. Anticipating what is to come, I've wavered in my decision a couple of times.

I cannot help but feel anxious about leaving Bud in the Babysitter's care come July.

I will miss his first rollover, his first crawl, his first hear it from the babysitter's mouth will be heart wrenching. Will he still know me from what little time we have? Will I know him?

I remember a poignant scene from "Stepmom" where Susan Sarandon reveals to Julia Roberts that she has cancer and that her children's welfare will be in the latter's good hands. For a mother not to be able to partake in her child's future is heart breaking enough. To give it up to someone who (in her opinion) was deemed unfit even as a child minder must have been extremely humbling.

Well I do have more alternatives to play around with than Susan Sarandon had in the movie. But the permutation of placing Bud in the Babysitter's care while I work full time seems the best....right now.

Like it or not, she is a big feature in Bud's life.... anyway. Begrudgingly, I admit that he will be well-taken cared of by any standards.

It's about giving up control.

If I've been doing things a certain way, I bet it will be undone when there's a change of hands. There's no right or wrong way --- but there's a preferred way by either of us. The poor baby's going to be confused.

Susan Sarandon lamented that Julia Roberts will get to see her daughter in a wedding dress and Julia Roberts fears that her stepdaughter will wish her mom was around.

Babysitter may get to see all the firsts but I hope in my poorest of heart that Bud will wish I was there to witness it instead.

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